Meaning and Values

My mind has been recently been caught up in some pretty deep thought about meaning of life and value systems. It started when I watched a marathon of "Psychic Detectives" and similar shows on TV, which recounted stories of self-proclaimed psychics who have helped the police in finding evidence for their murder cases. I was utterly engaged with how sensational it sounded. If the stories were true, it seemed these psychics were able to recount for the things that have passed, but I wondered if their abilities were limited just to that.

Psychic abilities and acute intuition are similar attributes, and almost everyone has intuition. I started to research over the Internet articles on how the brain works in terms of psychic abilities, and ran across a most interesting website that explained neurology in these phenomena. The author of the website had done many years of research on brain activity during human experiences such as Out-of-body, Near-death, epilepsy, psychic visions, deja vu, and spirituality. He even explained what must have been happening in the brain of Buddha when he became enlightened. He explained how the human brain structure has two parts. The dominant side is responsible for positive feelings, while the other more subordinate side held all the negative and depressed feelings. Humans have tenancy to constantly get input from both sides, and the brain is always restructuring to compensate for the natural anxiety that they get when thinking about death and the end of our sense of self. He goes on to explain that we subconciously try so hard to ensure that we don't panic about death that our brains gives us certain experiences to calm ourselves when we think we're losing our sense of self. Our sense of self is who we identify our selves to be, which is derived by the sum of how we related to the other people and things in the world. Spirituality and finding meaning in life are very well connected to our perception of we think we are.

It was pretty good reading, so I had to tell Pam all about it at coffee yesterday. Like a good therapist she listened, but I wasn't quite sure if she found it as fascinating. But she did offer some good insight as to why I might be so intrigued by all this. She suggested that perhaps I was still figuring out my core values, which would give me a strong sense of self. She suspected that I was struggling with so many conflicting sets of values from my family, husband, and friends. I think she's right in that I am still trying to find what is important to me. People, things, and situations are all temporal things that are constantly changing. In the past, I was easily led to believe that the values of others' was my own. Being told what to think was restricting, but made life easy and seemingly productive. I am now struggling with my own identity, taking heavily into account how I perceive my effect in the world.

I guess life is like cooking. It's easy to follow a recipe, and perhaps rewarding to have followed the recipe well and achieve the same results. But it could be multiple times more rewarding, albeit more difficult, to be the recipe's creator.

Break out of that pattern

Tonight, I sparred someone with whom I began sparring about two months ago. We had gotten into a specific pattern with each other. He and I each stand our ground and trade, but he normally hits me pretty hard when he lands his shots and my head would ring as a result. But tonight was not his night to get hard shots because I decided I wasn't going to let him land any shots. As we began our round, I asked myself why must continue with the pattern of hitting him the same way and getting hit the same way? Just because our fighting stablized into the same routine doesn't mean it can't be different tonight. Why not try something else? So I decided to not stand in front of him and trade punches. I knew the outcome of that would be a ringing head. I decided I would simply move out of his range when I saw his coming forward with agression. And when he would miss, I would immediately come forward with my agression. That worked well enough for me to gain confidence in trying other things that I normally don't do. I tricked him with a kick to his head while looking downward to his leg, which I actually have never tried in sparring before. My strategy of trying new things worked well on other partners, too.

I think by breaking out of the patterns of fighting that I developed with my sparring partners, I began to bring new things to otherwise predictable matches. My partners were expecting behavior that I decided not to exhibit tonight and it worked to my advantage. If you catch yourself falling into a pattern that doesn't seem to help you progress, for goodness sake try something new. Your pattern will still be there, and there's nothing wrong with expanding your repertoire.

Right or Wrong

Last night I watched a CNN special coverage story called Lifting the Veil. They investigated today's living conditions of Afghan women. It was bleak. I was very distraught at the oppression women suffer under the tyranny of men. I wasn't angry, just deeply saddened about the little freedom a woman has in life. But was it injustice? Or is it part of the evolution as humans? As a race, humans are constantly paying for the actions of those who came before us. It seems we have little choice in changing that. Are those perceived as being the oppressor really any more evil than those being oppressed? What if the oppressor was honestly believing he is righteous in the eyes of his lord? Is he still evil? It's a sad condition to you and me because we think relative to us. I wonder if there is an absolute right and wrong. Can I really fault anyone for following what they believe is right? I don't conciously know an answer to this yet, but I'm constantly posing these types of questions to my internal wisdom, which I believe will eventually lead me to the answers I seek. When we quietly reflect on things and seek answers from within, our intuition works out the difference between right and wrong. All I can do as a human being is encourage others to seek out internal reflection and discourage social influence.

Thought has Energy

I had coffee with a friend the other day and we discussed the topic of finding inspiration in doing what you like to do. He told me his struggle as a fighter for 10 years. All he wanted to do was kickbox, but he had so many things going against him. Without any higher education, any regular job, or anyone supporting him, all he had was his passion to fight, but he knew he could make something of it. After moving across the country to pursue better opportunities as a fighter, he was living off the couches and floors of friends while training. He also worked part time as an fight instructor to earn a living. He took high profile fights when they were available, and all his fans and students came out in force to support him. Indeed he improved his fighting skills, but he also began to see his strength in teaching others how to fight. About 6 years ago, he injured his shoulder during training. Realizing that he needed to evolve his passion into something sustainable, he decided that he was going to open his own gym for fighters. His passion evolved from fighting to training others how to fight. He planned for years on his gym, incorporating his experience, his contacts, and his skills. When the right opportunity arose, he was ready to execute. Now he owns a successful gym training fighters with a second gym in the works. He says it's very hard work running his own gym, but he loves what he does and still sees better things ahead. He bought a new house, a new car, and works all the time. He admits that his personal and business expenses are over $20,000 a month, and he knows he has to make at least that much just to keep this all going. I cringed at that level of responsibility and asked him how he kept his motivation to keep going. He smiled at me and said that if he spent time worrying about how much he needed to make every month, he would be putting energy that he doesn't have to spare into something that's self defeating. Just as he had to do during the tough times as a fighter, he doesn't think about things that don't help his progress. There was no doubt in his mind that his thoughts have potential energy that can be used to feed his passion rather than his worries.

A lot of attention has been given to this new age type thinking, but it is very rare that I actually meet someone who could can live and breathe it in practice as my friend has done. He later sent me a mobile phone text telling me that he also found inspiration in people like me who have courage to go after their dream. I'm glad I asked him to coffee on an otherwise boring day. Inspiration doesn't come very often, but when it does I tuck the thought away in the back of mind because it too has potential energy will help shape my destiny.

Is wealth like frogs?

I spent the day hiking around a lake in central California with two male friends. One was 38 years old and the other was 24 years old. Both were professionals like me, looking for a peaceful afternoon away. It was amusing watching both of them fascinated by catching live frogs with their bare hands. It was almost like watching over two little boys on a Sunday afternoon. Although each caught a young frog, they would let the young one go in hopes of catching a larger frog. Each crept up behind larger frogs, only to have the frogs jump away just as they approached. The 38 year old declared excitedly that he caught one in his hand but it immediately jumped out. It seemed they had no fear jumping into the mud and wading through water with socks and sneakers on. They were focused on catching the larger frogs for a full 2 hours as we walked the perimeter of the lake. As I thought "Boys will be boys" and stared out to the peaceful woods and serene lake, I entertained the thought of an allegory at hand. Frog hunting was very similar to the way men treat objects of desire, like wealth, women, and prestige. Generally, men are always looking for the bigger pay off, the more attractive women, and the more prestigious titles. They are more willing than women to risk what they have to get what they want. Most women would not risk getting mud and dirty water all over themselves to catch a frog. Women want stability and an exit strategy, so they are content with watching the time and making sure the men didn't do stupid things to catch it. But if a woman did catch a young frog, she wouldn't throw it back into the water if she wanted to catch a bigger one. Instead she would probably put it in a cup of water, and take it home to nurture it into a bigger one.

It was an amusing thought that outlined my underlying belief system of the differences between men and women. I'm not saying it's bad or good or absolute. I'm just saying it's there, and it's only a tendancy. People probably don't like to admit shallow generalizations that don't promote individualism, but perhaps acceptance of tendancies makes us less angry with the world and more at peace with what's around us. A little understanding goes a long way towards happiness.

Over the hill or just starting out?

I was just thinking about life at 36 years. I got bummed, exhausted, and then happy, almost all at once. It's a very strange mood. First I was bummed. I thought about how irrelevant a woman becomes to the trendy young crowd as she gets older. I thought about how her looks change to become something that is no longer desired by a youth-crazy society. In the fight industry, I'm in company with a very youthful crowd of early twenties. Lots of admiration goes to fast reflexes, muscle bound men, and hot ring girls. It's not ideally a place for a mid thirties woman to start out a new career. Wherever I turn, TV, magazines, and newspapers are always covering the young and their fabulous potential. I think I've been studying books and behind the desk of a corporation for so much of my adult life, that I actually missed out on the enviable life of the early twenties. I immediately went from 22 years of age to 45, socializing with senior engineers and middle aged executives. I'm just now trying to find myself at a time when most others have already found their place and direction. This new environment of young, young, and fabulously young is overwhelming me with temptation to think that I'm too old, or out of place, or even too un-hip to matter in life unless I'm raising a family.

That's when it becomes exhausting. just thinking about how much effort it would take to prove to the crowd at large that I too count in this world and I deserve some attention. Sheesh...almost not worth the effort. Maybe I should be a monk and meditate for all my waking hours.

That's when I become happy, in realizing that I do have the option to become a monk and meditate if I so choose. My freedom to choose has only just become apparent to me over the last year. I am free to experience, free to fail, free to meditate, and free to choose happiness. I had arrested myself for over a decade in a mental prison where I felt I had no choice. So rather than complain that life has changed since my imprisonment, I should celebrate my emancipation.

Are you getting bothered by being too old, too ugly, too fat, or too stupid? Well stop it...right now...stop it. Compare yourself only to the way you use to be, not to others. Your relevance is exactly how it should be, relative to you! Others may be inspirational, but they cannot be the measuring stick for your value in your life. Intuitively, you know exactly when you've been bad or been good. Don't let the ego start dictating your worth.

Your progress is not always apparent to you

Tonight's training was a little grueling. I endured repeated hits to the head during kickboxing sparring, and fell victim to 3 armbars during grappling. I normally don't do that bad against my training partners, but tonight I almost felt like I was losing my touch as a fighter. But in the very last round of our rotation, I ended up with the newest member of the circuit. I find that new people in the circuit are usually new to grappling. But still, he was about 40 lbs heavier, he looked strong, and I did not know what his skill level was. I was cautious. After we started rolling, it became apparent that he was using his strength to get out of things, but didn't know exactly what to do. I submitted him two times and almost got a rear choke when the round ended. After each submission, I would tell him what exactly he did wrong and he sincerely thanked me. That round of domination for me, among the ump-teen rounds of frustration, reminded me how far I had actually progressed with my training. It wasn't apparent to me because the people with whom I was training were also progressing. I couldn't see just how skilled I had become until I was compared against someone who was starting out.

When you feel stale at what you do and don't think you've progressed, step out of your shoes for just a minute and appreciate what you have learned. You will be pleasantly reminded of your investment.

No is not an option

I have to relay the story of a strong woman I saw interviewed last night on CNBC's The Big Idea. Cordia Harrington, founder and CEO of the Tennessee Bun Company, had a motto that really stuck in my mind, "NO is NOT and option." Cordia started out as a young mother needing to find work to raise her 2 children. She rented a cheap office, cheap desk, and cheap chair and decided to start her own business in selling real estate. She next got the idea to buy her own McDonald's franchise. McDonald's execs were hesitant to grant her a franchise when they interviewed her, but she wouldn't take "no" for an answer and kept hounding them until they did. During her franchise ownership, she had a bright idea that getting a bus station next to her McDonald franchise would bring in a lot more business, so tried to purchase a Greyhound franchise so that she could position it next to her McDonald's store. Again, the powers that be did not want to sell her the franchise until she hounded them with her persistence. After buying her bus franchise, she worked her way at running two successful franchises, and owning one of the nation's top producing McDonald's, in spite of being one of the very few women-owned franchisees.

One day, she attended one of McDonald's conferences on making buns. She discovered how inefficient the whole process was and decided to purchase a bakery that would make the buns for McDonalds. Again, the McDonald's execs thought she was a nutcase and told her "no" until she convinced them that this would work. The Tennessee Bun Company now does $40 million in sales and sells to McDonald's and other reputable restaurant chains.

All I can say is WOW...that's a lot of "no" to overcome for anyone in business, let alone a fragile looking blonde lady. To the casual onlooker, her character of persistence was very well concealed in a charming, well-spoken middle aged women. The host, Donny Deutsch, was absolutely delighted by her and adored her story. Cordia possesses what many of us women should have, the persistence in executing what we know we can do. I found this woman particularly inspiring because she did not let anyone influence her belief in her capabilities. She knew she could do it, so it was just a matter of convincing others she could do it, not the other way around. So many of us start out believing we can do it, and then wimper away when others start to tell us we can't. If you know you can do it, don't let anyone tell you that you can't.

Little people can be affective too

I do my fight training about 3 hours every night at the gym. I normally don't get to train with people my size (115 lbs) because my training partners are an average of 20-50 lbs heavier than me. They exercise the best of control when sparring with me (and they are all super nice to me), but I always know I'm coming in to get my ass kicked every day. Yet I still do it, and sometimes it's disheartening when I can't seem to get a break.

But today, I had a moment of triumph during my ground training. We were drilling take downs, switching partners every 2 minutes. Naturally, as the smallest, I was getting taken down quite easily. Every attempt I made at a take down would be squashed by my opponent's brute strength. Then I was up against the heaviest of them at around 200 lbs. I was pretty sure that he too was going to use his strength to get the take down, but I swallowed my nerves and went up against him because that was my job. As we clenched, I knew my options for a take down were limited. Then I remembered the take down of falling onto my back and sweeping him over my head with the leverage of my foot in between his legs. It was risky because I knew that if he put his full weight on me at the right moment, I would be smashed. But I was determined to not let my fears prevent me from trying things. That was the whole point of training, to develop my skills. To my pleasant surprise, it worked like a charm, and I ended up in full mount on top of him. Had I given into my fears of going up against the stronger, I would not know what I was capable of. Yay for little people and technique!

Take comfort in friends

I had been recently feeling disconnected with the world. Working from home for several days in a row, I slipped in a slight depression about being alone, in great danger of wallowing in self pity about being on my own. No husband, no children, no regular job, and no desire to be a socialite, it was just too tempting to trap myself in that downward cycle. That's when I drew the line, and decided to ask my friend Pam to coffee today. I don't normally go out, because I'm not much for superficial interactions with people I don't really care about. But Pam is different. She and I had spent hours online text chatting with each other over the last few nights, so I felt very comfortable with spending a few more hours talking with her in person at Starbucks. It also gave me a good excuse to leave the apartment for some fresh air.

Armed with a T-mobile Internet Hotspot account, a laptop, and 2 coffee drinks, we ended up spending over three hours chatting about life. I gave her an impromptu lesson on Photoshop, and she gave me some great ideas for my business. It was a very pleasant exchange of thoughts. I went home thinking what a difference it makes having a supportive friend who could relate and share similar goals of a fulfilling life.

Later after I got home, I saw an inspiring CNBC show about a couple of T-shirt enterprenuers who made a million dollar business on their line of clothing. I immediately called Pam to share my excitement about following in their footsteps. She was genuinely excited for me, and we then discussed more ideas about expanding my business and improving the website for her private therapy practice. I no longer felt alone.

Remember to take good care of your friends. They offer something that no lover or acquaintance can provide you. True friends don't invoke any burden, anguish, envy, desire to control, or ill will. They're just there to connect with you in just the right capacity.

It all evens out in the end, so just stick with it.

I was instantly reminded today that your life will stablize on any path that you take. What better reminder than being in a line at the drug store? Happens to all of us that we choose a line, and see that the line next to us progresses faster because there is always a person in your line who slows things down. The line I selected today seemed as long as the next one. I discovered that the lady with the cashier was paying with a check and there were 2 other people after her. The person in the next line who was in the same position as me when I joined my line had paid for his stuff and went by the time the lady with the check finished. So it seemed like there was no one in the next line, while there were two other people in my line. I couldn't see past the candy shelf of the next cashier line to see if there was another customer in the next line, plus I could tell the cashier in my line seemed slow at processing information. So I stood contemplating whether or not I should bail. Then a lady with a wheelchair rolled up to the cashier in the next line before I could make a decision. So it was obvious that I had missed the boat because there was no one there at the next line. But still, there was only the wheelchair lady as opposed to the two other customer in front of me in my line. So I bailed and stood behind the lady with the wheelchair. But I soon discovered that the wheelchair lady was getting the cashier to go to the cigarette shelf and find her a carton of an obscure brand of cigarette, and that took longer than processing the two customers that were in front of me in the previous line. The person in front of me in the previous line had only one item and was in the process of paying for his item in cash as I decided to return to my old line. Only to discover that there was already someone who had taken my position. So I had wasted my time bailing to the next line, and ended up adding 5 minutes to my wait. I left the drug store upset at myself for having let temptation of another path call me away from my original decision.

That little experience invoked so much anguish in my life. But the lesson learned was that I must have patience with whatever path I choose. Every path has its ups and downs, and you will experience just the right amount of both if you stay with one path. Seeing the ups of another path makes it tempting to leave your path, but be warned that you had not experience the downs of that other path.

Training your mind for happiness

I'm currently reading a book entitled "Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain". It promotes the idea that you can use your concious mind to change the neural activitiy of your brain. The way we perceive the world, our skills, and our emotional states can be entirely trained. The book specifically discusses their research on the meditation training that Buddhist monks endure, which yields happiness. The meditation must be done with the goal of compassion for everything in the world.

Perhaps true happiness (compassion) is always available, but it's a specific frequency into which all of us must tune. All other forms of happiness are false because it leaves us wanting. Give that a try. Start to be compassionate towards people who cause you pain in life and see how that shifts your attitude about the world.

Getting high on a song

It's about 3:30 am, and I'm sitting at my PC listening to Paul McCartney's "No more lonely nights". I just downloaded this song about 24 hours ago on iTunes at almost this exact same hour because I actually craved the song. I became enamored with the song when I first saw the music video in the 1980's. The video started with Paul McCartney starting off his day early before sunrise, and he begins singing the song while staring out into the early morning city lights. (Well I actually don't know if it was early morning or late night in the video, but I can remember believing it was early morning.) Ever since seeing that video, I would always think of that song whenever I was up early morning before sunrise. It's a great tune and it makes me feel at peace with the world when I hear it at the early hours. Before iTunes, and for many years when I use to awaken at 4:30 am to start my 14 hour work day I would just play the song over and over in my head. It gave me peace just before starting my grueling day behind the desk of corporate America. Now that I have retired from the high tech startup scene, I rarely get up before 10 am, so I've not had the opportunity to think of the song.

But yesterday, I needed to finish a web project, so I found myself working until the wee hours of the early morning, just before sunrise. I thought of the song again and decided that I should probably just download it. Listening to it was as addicting as playing it in my mind. I played it over and over again on my PC because I couldn't get enough of that peaceful high I can only get from the combination of the song and the hour.

I don't understand why I feel at peace when I hear it, and why it feels good only in the early morning. Something in me harmonizes with the lyrics, the music, and the thought of the world about to awaken from a peaceful slumber. It's beautiful, and I wouldn't change a thing about the experience. I suppose this is a similar feeling to someone getting a breathtaking view from high above. I've learned to let the feeling take over me for whatever time I can afford, because the world will wake up soon enough to distract me.

Undervaluing your emotions

I recently saw the movie The Invasion, starring Nicole Kidman. As in the 1956 and 1978 versions, the story depicts alien organisms who attempt to take over earth by taking control of human bodies and voiding them of all emotions. Humans infected with the organism go about their daily lives as normal, with the same memories, and the same habits, but without any feelings. Those who have not yet become infected try desparately to hang on to their ability to feel. The movie poses the question: do we really want to rid ourselves of boredom, drama, anger, and depression at the cost of joy, desire, hope, and love?

In the year ensuing my separation from my husband, I have had so many rides on my emotional rollercoaster that I caught myself wishing for the ability to become numb to everything. But having emotions is, exactly as the movie suggests, what makes us human. Emotions are part of us, and it's what propels us into action. It makes us improve our living condition, inspire innovation, and help us reproduce. Emotions are incredibly valuable to the human race. Without we will cease to advance. Everyone will be so content with his or her life, that there will be no beauty, no hobbies, no desire to improve anything, no loyalty to anyone, and absolutely nothing worthwhile in relationships.

Perhaps someone who suffers emotionally wishes away all emotions just so the mental pain would stop. But perhaps a better way to deal emotional suffering is not to wish it away, but instead of revel in its presence. Allowing it to run its course by realizing that it's a part of who you are. There can't be joy without suffering. That is the dynamics of human life. We were all meant to feel emotions, so don't hate them, enjoy them.